When I thought I was reflecting on myself, but was actually hurting myself
For most of my life, whenever something bad happened, I had a habit of immediately looking for my own fault—unless it was something clearly extreme.
I always started by examining what I had done wrong.
If things became tense with someone, I would think, “Did I say something wrong?”
If I almost had a car accident, I would assume, “Maybe my driving was careless.”
In many situations, I searched for my own mistakes first.
Some people constantly blame others while ignoring their own faults, but I was the complete opposite. I probably lacked confidence because I had very few experiences of success. Over time, this habit made my entire life feel like a series of failures.
In my mind, I believed I was “reflecting on myself,” but in reality, I was constantly accumulating stress. Still, I told myself that this was necessary for personal growth.
What actually happened as a result
Eventually, the stress and feelings of inferiority became overwhelming. I started avoiding people and isolating myself. My world gradually became smaller and smaller.
Life began to feel like nothing but failure. I started believing that no matter what I tried next, it would never work out. Even though I knew there were things I should change, I didn’t take real action.
Analyzing the cause is important—but without action, nothing changes.
I realized I wasn’t reflecting—I was bullying myself
Recently, I finally realized something important: I wasn’t truly reflecting on myself. I was simply bullying myself.
This realization was huge for me. It felt like a thick fog had suddenly cleared, and my vision became sharp again.
I kept asking what went wrong, but I never moved on to actually fixing anything. Instead, I told myself things like: “It’s my fault,” or “My upbringing and environment made me this way, so it can’t be helped.”
Thinking this way felt easy. It gave me temporary relief and a sense of false acceptance. But in reality, I was just avoiding the real problems. It was the simplest way to feel “convinced” without changing anything.
If I don’t seriously think about what needs to change in practical terms, I won’t grow—and I won’t change. Running away leads nowhere.
How I want to move forward
I’ve experienced depression-like symptoms for a long time, but now I’m trying to change my daily rhythm, even if only a little.
Going to bed slightly earlier.
Avoiding overeating.
Being more punctual.
Instead of relying on willpower alone, I’m trying to escape addictive behaviors using scientific and realistic approaches. When something unfortunate happens, I try to ask myself: Is this something I can change, or something I can’t control and should let go of?
I’m slowly learning to stop blaming myself for the past and focus on what I can do now. In the end, I believe that basic daily habits—things everyone already knows—are incredibly important.
I also recognize that I have several addictions, so I’m taking small, consistent actions in my daily life to break free from them.
Sometimes, life still feels hopeless. But I want to take things one step at a time—together with God—and continue moving forward.
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